New perspective

Its strange how your life can change in a matter of seconds. Just one event, one decision can change everything. The window shot changed it all...
It has now been almost three days since the accident. I dont know what to say, what to do. I have no energy. I feel like I'm walking around in a dark tunnel, where occassionally some light finds it way in. Seeing her was a kind of strained relief. She's seriously injured but will be OK. No trauma to the head or the spinal cord. That was good news. And surprising too. It's a long distance from the third floor to the ground, she is lucky to be alive. Exetremely lucky.

I keep seeing images in my head. The hand dropping from the rail.The run downstairs, the longest run in my life. The sight of her in fetal position on the ground. Open eyes... She's dead. I took her head in my hands. She was breathing. She looked at me. Eyes filled with pain and fear. I fought the panic that was constantly growing inside me. Julia sat next to me, call the ambulance! What's the number?! I didn't know... I didn't fucking know!! The neighbour yells out, I've called them! Ok, try to remember Madeleine, what do you do in a situation like this? Don't move her, she has highly likely damage to her head and spinal. I kept her head in line with her spine. She's bleeding from the back of her head. She's bleeding from her mouth. She tries to turn around. -Keep still darling; I know it hurts but I need you to stay still. Don't move! You are going to be OK, I hear my voice saying. My mind is screaming.
The pompiers comes. They tell me to move. Grab her head, I tell them. I move. I cry. My body is shaking. My hands are covered with blood. I have her blood on my hands. Name? Age? Passport? What happened? Questions! What did happen? One second we were dancing and singing and posing for the camera, next second I'm sitting here.

Julia and I went to school today. Exams are in 10 days. Exams. Apartment. Internet. Practical things. I don't want to. I want to sleep, I want this nightmare to be over. I want her to wake up. I want this experience erased from my life. I want to go back in time and nail the windows shut! But I can't. No one can. I have a new outlook on life. Life is fragile; life is precious, we are not invincible. I am strong. But I am human. I will survive. Julia will survive. She will survive. This memory will survive, it may fade with time as all things do, but it will always exist.

I love you, my crazy girl.